Uncertainty
by RaspberryMintTea
Summary: The blade was poised about his skin, mere millimeters away from fading marks that still remained. He didn't know what to do anymore. "Eren..." he felt the punch before anything. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" "Man up!" "I can't believe Mikasa cares for someone like you!" A story where Jean helps Eren to realise more about 'Life'. /OOC, not shonen-ai unless you want it andsquint
1. Chapter 1

Shingeki no Kyojin belongs to Hajime Isayama

warning: probably OOC and bad writing;;; (sorry)

* * *

Chapter 1

The blade was poised about his skin, mere millimeters away from fading marks that still remained. Whether or not it was a good thing, he didn't know. He scrunched his face up a little. He didn't really know anything now that he thought about it. And that alone was enough to burying him deep under stress and frustration. He didn't know what to do with his life anymore, and seeing others know what direct path they wanted to take, even those who only had a somewhat vague idea, he felt utterly lost and left behind. Abandoned.

He would do it today. That was what he decided. He was always thinking about it, falling asleep at 3 in the morning and waking at 5, unable to go back to sleep. He was tired, really tired, of everything. Thinking back, there was always something stopping him, holding him back. But today there wasn't.

He smiled, only a small smile, but his green eyes almost twinkled. He was going to be free. He felt the blade digging into his skin, and a prickling sensation spread from his wrist, soon followed by little beads of red.

Eren swore suddenly. Dropping the blade immediately into the tepid bath water, he climbed out quickly, threw his mint towel around his waist and ran out of the bathroom, almost slipping in the process. He stopped only to grab a few tissues to press against his wrist. He didn't want to stain his white carpet with red; he had a feeling that Mikasa wouldn't be too pleased, though a trail of water was probably okay.

He ran to the coffee table and reached out to grab his phone, somehow knocking his knee into the leg of a chair.

"Eren"

All it took was one word to know how she was feeling. He could imagine her worried face right now, just like all those other times.

"Mikasa"

"Is something wrong Eren? It took you a long time to answer my call. Are you okay? You're not feeling sick are you? Maybe you-"

"Mikasa, calm down, I'm okay. You just... caught me at a bad time. I was taking a bath."

"Alright... But if you're ever ill or if there is anything bothering you call me immediately okay? I'll only be away for two more months."

"Yeah. I know."

He knows of course.

Mikasa was smart. She got into the top university without effort while Eren worked day and night for it, and he only just scraped through, courtesy of the waiting list. It was true for Armin as well. He hardly seemed stressed. Even Jean got through without too much to worry about, which surprised him. Who would ever have thought that horse-face was smart? He still hates to admit it, but horse-face was really only a little smarter than him. Only a little tiny bit.

He swore the only reason that Sasha was able to get into the university was because she had a temporary learning ability boost from eating all the food she splurged her two months worth of allowance on. How she even managed to save so much without using it to buy more food was already a miracle. But even so, it was only a temporary boost. If anyone met her in university, they would probably all question how she had even gotten accepted.

Remembering that Connie had also been placed on the waiting list somehow made him feel better, but knowing he was first on the list unlike himself, well, he was content to forget about that little detail. After all, the only real important thing is that they all managed to remain together, from high school to Uni. With the exception of Christa and Ymir who decided to go on a long holiday tour to who knows where.

Mikasa had been away for a month so far though. She had been offered an apprentice like job as a secretary for Legion, a high end company that was famous. Not surprising at all given that you didn't even need to know Mikasa personally to understand that she was probably the one person who was the closest to perfection you would ever meet in your life. They were all just waiting for it to happen.

She had originally decided to decline the offer, saying she needed to take care of Eren instead. It took Armin and him days of convincing, including Armin's strategic persuasive skills, as well as help from others, namely Jean, Sasha, Connie, and a phone call from Ymir and Christa, which really surprised them all –mainly the big question of how did they even know?- as well as short conversations and opinions from their seniors to convince her to accept the offer. Which still ended up being a pity because she had shortened the time to only 3 months. Mikasa was really stubborn at times. But Eren wasn't saying that 3 months was too short, hell, one month was more than enough to show everyone just how capable and intelligent she was.

Armin had also received a few offers, but he had declined them all, insisting that he finish his uni course first. Being best friends with two such capable people strained Eren at times. He would never be able to match up to them.

"Uh… I'm thinking pizza"

"Eren!"

"Okay, okay. I'll go over to Armin's for dinner. Is that better?"

"…Yes"

He could just hear her frustration.

He didn't want it.

"I need to go now Mikasa. There's some homework I need to do. Talk later."

"Alright, remember to take care."

"I'm not a child! I can manage! "

"…"

And he doesn't want to hurt her.

"…You take care too, Mikasa."

He kept the phone in his hands, long after the call was cut, towel around his waist, standing in the middle of the living room. The whole unit was pretty pristine, he made sure to go around and do at least some basic cleaning, just to show Mikasa, and everyone else, that he can actually manage by himself. But a part of him also doesn't want to worry Mikasa. Ever since she was adopted and became his sister, she was always watching out for him, caring for him, and basing her life around what he wanted. He didn't want to disappoint her. She had done enough for him already.

Armin as well. His mind rivaled the physical strength of many and he had never failed to save them from a pinch. It was amazing really.

He frowned, suddenly finding himself drowning in questions that came in waves. If he had really followed through earlier, would he have disappointed Mikasa and Armin? Would they hate him?

Shaking his head, he decided to focus on an easier question. Pizza or Armin's place? His unit was right next door, but he didn't feel like social contact at the moment.

.

Pizza it is then.

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RaspberryMintTea here;;;  
Hopefully the story wasn't too horrid or boring to read;; Sorry for any errors and OOC-ness  
Constructive criticism welcome! ((I really want to improve my writing : ))


	2. Chapter 2

Shingeki no Kyojin belongs to Hajime Isayama

Warning: probably OOC and bad writing;;; (sorry)

Sorry for not updating... in many months/orz I kind of lost inspiration, didn't know what to write, and when I did I couldn't form the right words, even now. I do apologise and I also wish to thank CaptainOfAsgard, Cirruz The Night Elf, Midnight-Waterlily33, and topdog19 for following this story as well as ReachForTheSky, Not so human(?), and the Guest for taking the time to write a review. These follows, favourites and reviews made me really happy! I wasn't expecting them either so it really suprised me. Now I apologise again for those reading this as I spent many months to write a chapter where there is no plot and the only thing happening in these 1458 words is Armin thinking, walking and more thinking. Very boring. It's also funny because as an avid reader of fanficiton I always disliked chapters where there were sudden changes of perspective and a really long authors note at the beginning of the story. Well, guess who's doing the same thing now. Hypocrite much ._.

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Chapter 2

Armin was more than just a little worried. He thought back to the conversation he had only a few minutes before with Mikasa who was surely on her afternoon break. They had talked about the usual, Mikasa's internship, Armin's current assignments and how everyone else was doing. Then Mikasa brought up Eren.  
"What did you have for dinner with Eren last night?"  
"Wha-? Eren?"  
"… Didn't he come over last night? For dinner?"  
"...No…no he didn't."

That's when the little doubts that he had always pushed to the side of his mind returned full force, knocking everything else out of its path. He told Mikasa not to worry, to return back to her internship, surely the break was not that long, and that he'd talk to Eren himself, persuading her with the idea that Eren definitely would not like it if she had abandoned her highly sought after internship just to worry over him. Mikasa had reluctantly agreed after much persuasion, a hesitant '…fine" to be precise and they said their goodbyes.

It wasn't just today or yesterday or even a week ago. Armin had this nagging feeling that arose a few years back. It started off with just the occasional thoughts of 'what if'. 'What if Eren didn't like being with Mikasa and him?', 'What if Eren felt left out, or falling behind?', 'What if Eren was hiding his true thoughts every time he congratulated the two on their achievements?', but every time he observed his friend and spent more time with the two, these thoughts gradually became 'What if he was just thinking too much?' because 'surely Eren wouldn't think that, would he?'. So he had then always tried his best to stop his thoughts from heading down that lane. Armin was Eren's friend, someone who had been countlessly saved by the other from all the bullies that had cornered him when they were younger, though it was Mikasa behind Eren that the bullies were truly afraid of. He trusted them both and so he didn't wish to doubt Eren.

But then he would catch the small looks Eren would sometimes wear. These blank expressions and almost lifeless eyes that all too quickly would shift and change into laughter and smiles as he turned to talk to others, his eyes slightly twinkling. At first he thought those sights were only a product of his imagination, created from his previous doubts and questions and so he had ignored them, but ignoring didn't mean Armin would stop observing. Here and there he would spot that same bored look, and he wasn't sure what to think. What if his previous thoughts have been true? What if Eren really didn't like them anymore? What if Eren was hiding his true feeling from them? Did he not trust them anymore? What if he told Mikasa? Would that make Eren hate them more? He was often named the 'strategist' in their group, but in that situation back then, he honestly had no idea what he should have done. Each possibility and respective consequence weighed upon him heavily and he could not think of any solution that would be able to solve it all easily.

Then the rush of late night studying turning into all-nighters and the long list of exams came upon them. Eren seemed to be working hard, much like every one else, reading through the many stacks of books shared among their impromptu study group and working through the previous year's exams, which Jean had downloaded from some shifty site on the internet, though no one questioned him. Practice was practice after all. Bags of potato chips, candy and other snacks were passed around among them, with Sasha keeping the bulk of it to herself and Christa had graciously baked many desserts for them despite her own busy study schedule. In such an exhausting period, Armin had found Eren to be back to his 'usual' self and soon these thoughts and suspicions were pushed out of the way by the ongoing pressure of exams and studies.

He was ecstatic when the results were posted and everyone had gotten into the same university. He moved out of home and into the dorms to live closer, along with Mikasa and Eren, where Mikasa had insisted on looking after Eren despite him claiming that he was already a grown man and very much independent and capable. There were some times when convincing Mikasa was just near impossible and when these issues were about Eren, it was all the more likely. So Armin took the room right next door and shared with Jean, who probably just wanted to get closer to Mikasa, having failed to get her attention for more than a few minutes at a time for the past six years of high school. Armin had to say that he was very much impressed with the amount of dedication (and obsession) that Jean possessed. He was also sure that everyone felt sorry for the poor guy, except Mikasa and Eren, and possibly Ymir who snickered and made sure to never miss a chance to make fun of him. Christa of course would always reprimand her afterwards, being the only person she would really ever listen too, though it never stopped her from laughing the next time. Eren was quite oblivious when it came to romance and though Mikasa was both intelligent and quick to catch on, Armin had to say that she just didn't care much about men the same age whose names didn't begin with Eren and end in Jaeger. He wasn't surprised though, after all, when they were only nine, Eren was the one who had saved Mikasa from burglars, the incident unfortunately leaving both her parents deceased. It was an incident no one brought up, but he was sure that without it, they would never have been such a close and tight knit trio.

Armin turned to glance at the digital clock blinking on the kitchen bench. Two minutes to two and his lecture started at half past. His rather sudden nostalgic venture to the past was replaced with something more urgent, tugging at his insides and churning them up. Why didn't Eren come by last night? He had even told Mikasa that he would. It was possible that something had happened, something that prevented him from coming over. If so, he had to check on Eren immediately. He swiftly grabbed his mint coloured canvas printed backpack, already packed since the morning and his keys from the black tinted glass of the coffee table, and headed for the door.

However, his feet, already in his favourite grass green and navy sneakers, stopped at the door. But if that was all wrong, if Eren had simply chosen to stay by himself last night, and only told Mikasa he would come over to appease her during their phone call, then everything was different. Everything was worse.

He had only seen that dull and lifeless expression pass over Eren's face once or twice over the course of the two years at Uni, and Mikasa had never mentioned anything to Armin. Mikasa who so carefully cares and fusses over Eren, would definitely not miss it if Eren were to have changed and she would have certainly discussed any issues with Armin if that were the case. But it wasn't.

For Eren to hide his feeling so well from Mikasa and him was a matter that threw Armin into turmoil. He was concerned and wanted to know the struggles that Eren was facing, but he also felt slightly betrayed, and most importantly, disappointment and regret at his own inability to help Eren, and realise the subtle changes earlier. He had seen the signs, but he had not acted. If anything were to happen to Eren, it was all his fault. He felt the tears threatening to spill from his eyes and was glad Jean was not here to witness any of this. His hand on the doorknob, he exhaled slowly and closed his eyes, organising his thoughts. First and most importantly, he had to check up on Eren, make sure he was alright and see how he was doing. Everything else came next.

He stepped out into the floorboards of the hallway and locked the door behind him, the white wood making an echoing thud and the lock clicking in the near silence, where the only noise was the muffled music playing in the room a few doors down. He turned and walked left, until the mere metres between the rooms were closed. Armin knocked on the door, hoping that Eren was in there, and if he was, that he answered.

.

When had the Eren he knew for so many years become a mere façade?

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...

And I told you it was boring. Almost seems as if the main character is Armin now;;; oops. Now I have no idea how to set the next chapter up. Ahaha.  
But hopefully this chapter wasn't too horrid to get through. Hopefully.  
Constructive Criticism is very much welcomed.  
It would also be nice to know what you thought of this chapter and what's happening so far (not that much has happened. Armin just walked around and thought about things in this chapter)  
I would really like to improve and write an enjoyable story :D


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